Journal Post

January 9th 2017


Blog Photo_editedA letter to my black brothers, from the woman you scorned…

Post from my old journal

 

Let me first start off by saying THANK YOU. Thank you for showing me what I don’t want in a man. What I don’t want my son to become. Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for teaching me how to remain guarded. Because of you my self-esteem has diminished. Because of you I’ve settled for way less than what I deserve. Because of you I don’t see hope for a love life. Because of you I find it hard to believe in love for myself. Because of your lies, you never gave me the chance to choose my position.

BUT I can’t solely blame you. I had part in it as well. I accepted what was given to me. I thought it was what I deserved. I thought if I played by your rules, YOU WOULD PICK ME, & that I would be your grand prize! I blame myself for thinking so highly of you and less of myself. I want to address each of you individually….

To you, the perfect church guy, the well-liked individual, the all-around guy. I played the part that I thought I needed to play so that I could be the lady on your arm. You played with my emotions for FOUR YEARS!! Took up too much of my time. You got close to the people I love. I allowed you to invade my heart, my mind and my soul only to leave me for the “better woman.” I was always your “back pocket” chick. Thank you for showing me that “everything that glitter’s aint gold!” Thank you for showing me that dreams don’t really come true. Thank you for the public humiliation. Thank you because now I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. I haven’t been the same since. So, I thank you. FAREWELL to you. You will no longer invade my thoughts. Have a great life, many blessings to you.

Thank you to my childhood friend. Thank you for showing me to NEVER cross the line in friendship. Things will never be the same. Which is for the better, I guess. Now I know better.

FAST FORWARD TO NOW…. 15MAY2018

I was clearly in a bitter place. Since then, it has been an up and down rollercoaster. I have closed the door on many unhealthy relationships. I have made my peace with certain situations. It hurt at first, but with the community I have for support makes it easier. I realize it’s all apart of my healing process.

**this post wasn’t intended to do “male bashing.” It’s simply me venting about my experience.

Does anyone have this same problem and/or feeling? I want your thoughts.

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