Journal Post

It’s Subtle…

29May2019

I don’t wanna feel like this. I’m not supposed to feel like this. I thought I was pass this. Thoughts that consume my mind on today. I thought I had this depression thing under control. Like, naw girl, you don’t deal with it as much as you use to. Little did I know depression is subtle, anxiety is subtle. When you think you’re good, something triggers you and sends you a few steps back. So what do you do? For me, I sleep. For a while, I would just try to play it off and ignore what I was feeling. I would continuously say, “Girl, you don’t have time for depression today. Find something else to focus on,” I did that a few times. IGNORED, what was going on with me mentally. As I’m writing this, shame is trying to creep in. Simply because I feel like I should be past this. I feel like all the messages I’ve heard, how in the world can you still have days like this. With the community of people you have, how can you still have days like this? So many people are depending on your smile, on your kind words, on your energy. You can’t afford to have days like this. I know that it stems from me STILL trying to carry portions of perfection. But I’m flawed and I have my days. I have to be honest with myself and with those around me. Everyday isn’t going to be peaches and cream and that’s okay.

I was watching a documentary called “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words.” One quote that struck me “You can’t get your body and emotions on the same page” by Bennie Tucker. That’s where I am today. I don’t feel like it. Pieces of me wants to get up and go outside, but other parts of me just wants to eat and sleep and remain in bed. As I’m writing this I’m just like God how did I get here? What triggered me? The feeling of not being in control of certain outcomes, feeling defeated, feeling like a failure. Just to name a few. Battling with the thought of whether or not I should reach out and talk to anyone today. Needless to say, I decided not to. I just wanted to be quiet. I know that I have plenty of people that I could talk to, but sometimes it’s easier to just be quiet and try to work through it on your own. Everybody isn’t going to understand and that’s okay.

For those who don’t understand depression, I personally think watching “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words” would shed some light. If you or anyone you know suffers from depression, talk to someone. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-4357 National Hopeline Network 1-800-784-2433.

If depression has escalated to suicidal thoughts please contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

P.S. i love you 💜you’re not alone

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