Journal Post, new chapter, Singleness

Occupied

Occupied: adjective – 1. Busy and active 2. Being used by someone

Have you ever been in such a hurry to talk to your best friend about some bomb tea you just got? Only to call her and you get “the person you’re trying to reach is unavailable at this time.” Bummer right?!? How about being in a rush to use the restroom only to get there and the sign says “occupied?” Don’t you hate that?!! I know I do.

The adrenaline rush is an indescribable feeling. So much pressure getting to a place or waiting for something only to get there and it’s occupied. It’s a frustrating feeling to be in arms reach of something or someone but not able to access or use it because it’s being used or unavailable or busy. So now you’re just going to have to wait until it becomes available again. That’s a hurtful feeling.

Personally for me, waiting can be extremely aggravating especially when I’m in a rush. Like come on it shouldn’t take that long. Often times that’s how we look at the Father. Like come on Jesus, you’ve shown me a glimpse of my promise already and it’s in arms reach, I mean RIGHT THERE! Why do I still have to wait? Just let me have it already. And God is like, “hold tight Micaela, not yet.” I’m like but God I’m ready though.” In the famous words of my Pastor Travis Greene “If you were ready, YOU WOULD BE THERE!” That stung a little even reading it aloud just now.

It hit me literally today! Waiting isn’t all that bad. It’s what you’re doing while waiting that matters. My focus is allowing the Father to break me, mold me, get rid of somethings, show me some more things about myself that I need to change and live my best life. From the outside looking in, you can say that I’m occupied myself. I’m being used by the Father throughout this waiting process. It doesn’t always feel good and it does get lonely however it’ll be worth it in the end.

Journal Post, Singleness

In My Body…HARD

Man, can’t describe this feeling…
in my body HARD
to want something
someone
so much
but you allow rejection to keep you in that box
not allowing you to express how you feel 
for fear of not hearing what you want them to say
afraid that you will once again be 
wrong
made a fool
hurt again
 
on the other hand
its like what do i have to lose?
besides being embarrassed
and my pride being shut down
sigh
what’s a woman to do?
i feel myself getting angry.
angry at the fact that i keep doing this to myself
i continuously play it safe with my love life
guess i should say something, huh?
Journal Post, Singleness

My Last Message

31july2018
black and blue plastic pen non top of black covered notebook
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

i called him.

i told him, “i’m outta there”
which translate to “i’m done.”
i debated on whether or not i should continue to be stupid
& fall for the “i don’t wanna be done. it’ll be different this time.”
yea, i heard that at least 4 times in the last month.
but tonight
i’m officially D O N E
your lost!
so now the process starts of me
“getting outta there”
deleted our thread
deleted you number
now it’s time to hit BLOCK!
i always heard the saying,
“people make time for what they WANNA make time for”
i was clearly an option
never a priority.
well tonight, i chose not to be stupid anymore
and allow you to treat me less than the queen i am
no more debating.
that was my last message….
Journal Post, Random, Singleness

Word Vomit

So many emotions

Was I suppose to reach out?

Or was I suppose to let fate decide

-mistake

mlg

sometimes

i stop myself from

saying the words out loud

as if leaving my mouth too often

might wear them down

-i love you

Quote from the sun and her flowers by rupi kaur

She once said “the only way to get great is to divorce good” -dr jackie greene

I guess this is my farewell

when you start loving someone new

you laugh at the indecisiveness of love

remember when you were sure

the last one was the one

and now here you are

redefining the one all over again

a fresh love is a gift

Quote from the sun and her flowers rupi kaur

Is it time to give up yet?

-me

mlg

**just how I’m feeling in this current moment**

Journal Post, Marriage& Love, Singleness

Boo’d Up!

“Daddy when am I gonna get a boo? You know like a bae! Someone I can say “oh that’s me right there, that’s bae!” #transparentmoment it literally hit me hard and got me “in my feelings,” when R&B artist Ella Mai dropped a single called Boo’d Up. She sings about being in love and being in a relationship and not finding anyone that could compare to bae. The hook was catchy! You know it,

As I was humming, I thought to myself. All my close/best friends either have boyfriends, spouses, and/or a few “baes” and I’m sitting here like what’s wrong with me? Why am I still single? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not good enough? WHY AM I STILL SINGLE? I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who ask those questions.  For a while those questions have been taunting me. I got to the point where I’m like “God, I am sick of being the third, fourth and/or fifth wheel. Bruh this can’t be life!” WHEN IS HE COMING? WILL HE EVER COME?

It wasn’t until recently. I’m talking about three or four days ago that reality hit me through a Reel sister of mine. She said, and I quote “God doesn’t want you to have male friends on the roster. He has a whole husband waiting on YOU to get over YOU!” yeah that wrecked me. In my mind I was ready. I’ve been single for 11 years. Yea you read it right. I’ve been in situationships, but no committed relationships. I was like God that is MORE THAN ENOUGH time for you to work on me. However, there are still some things he wants me to learn in my singleness. Some more character building that needs to take place. He’s still molding me into the Proverbs 31 woman. And he’s showing me that I’m not done healing.

So why am I still single, without a boo? It’s because he’s preparing me for my HUSBAND not just a “boo”. He’s also still preparing my husband. When I feel discouraged, I must remind myself that it’s all in his timing. My waiting is not in vain.

The Father said he doesn’t want me to be “Boo’d Up.” He wants me to be whole and to be Wife’d Up!
black love