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02May2019

So today my emotions were all over the place. I’ve felt useless today, overwhelmed, disappointed, and lonely. My mind has been on 1000. I didn’t feel like myself with everything going on this week. So what I did was beat my face, put on my favorite sundress and ride out. Well I did that and I’m still in a fog. I’m not posting this for sympathy at all. I’m posting this to help someone who maybe in the same boat as myself. I didn’t want to talk to God today about it. I just wanted to fix it myself and I can’t. I tried to cover how I was feeling and GET OVER how I was feeling real quick. Then I talked to my sis and she said something that really stuck me.

“It’s unhealthy to rush through what you’re feeling!”

-SiQuena W.

So at this current moment I’m acknowledging how I feel. Standing in my feelings but not residing there. I’m going to cry it out, get me some ice cream, and watch my favorite movie and write later.

Whoever is reading this, and feeling the same way—don’t rush through how you’re feeling. Feel it love and keep it moving. #Transparentmoment #NotesToMySisters

P.S. i love you

Journal Post, Uncategorized

Greenlight

** from a voice recording 24 May 2018. Literally at the stoplight**

So how many times have we tried to make the green light, like literally on two wheels trying to make it cause we don’t want the red light to catch us?

I know that’s so true for me! Like literally just now I was like on almost two wheels. Like bruh hurry up I don’t want to get stopped by this red light and I am going too doggone fast to slow down for this yellow light. It dawned on me how we are in such a rush that we don’t want to wait. We want everything quick. We want to cruise right through this green light. Not knowing the importance of the red light and of the yellow light. The yellow light is caution, you know like “warning comes before destruction.”

The red light is the “hey stop! This cannot continue!  Just stop, hang tight.” And although the stop seems like forever especially when I’m at the red light. I’m like bro this light has been red for at least 70 minutes, (yea maybe a little exaggerating.) But that’s how I feel. And I’m just like, “Why is it taking so long for this to change?” Wait Meme, you are ministering to yourself!!! #geesh Stop being in such a hurry to get things done or being in such a hurry to get to where you think you oughta be. For example, you’ve heard this line before, “Oh where your kids at, you bout to turn 30. Where’s ya husband?” So it puts a time limit on me. It puts me in a place to where I feel like I got to rush to find him and to have my babies . Because I mean, you’ll be 30 in December!

Trying to get the green light, when God clearly has me at a red light to prepare me, to develop my character in this red light season. So when the green light comes ain’t no stopping me baby. I’m good cause he’s good. I’m sure cause he’s sure. So now I know that I’m at a yellow light right now. The “caution baby girl!” Slow down!  Be still and know that I am God that I got this. I’m the one who’s in control. I don’t work on your time . I’m like, all right Jesus this yellow light is kind of uncomfortable. But I’ll sit here because I know eventually you’re going to put me at a red light to where everything’s going to be at a standstill and I’m going to be like God what are you doing? Do you not hear me?

The red light is to shape you it’s not to punish you. It’s to get you to slow down and realize that its me. I control when things move or shake in your life. I control what doors open and what doors shut. That’s all me. So whether you’re at the yellow light right now, in a caution season where he’s like slow down. Hold up Shawty. He’s preparing you. Even if you’re at a red light don’t be dismayed don’t be discouraged because He’s still working on you through the red light. Don’t get so caught up in catching the green light that we miss HIM in the stillness on the yellow and the red light.

 

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Great Mountain

Who are you great mountain that you should not bow low, Jesus defeated the darkness, he has never lost a battle!

-Ramp Worship

So the question is who are you great mountain? What are some things, obstacles even people that are mountains in your life?!? A few of my mountains:

  1. Anxiety
  2. Self worth
  3. Self esteem
  4. Depression
  5. Mind battles
  6. Some relationships
  7. Unforgiveness

Whatever your mountain is, SPEAK TO IT TODAY! Right now!

Take a listen! https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/never-lost-feat-catherine-mullins/1066431548?i=1066432004

Enjoy! Love you!

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Everything To You

Encouragement for today

For My Sisters 06Mar2018

So I asked God what can I say to my sisters today. We are all facing something. What can I say as a universal statement that could apply to everyone. So as I was searching my playlist, I decided to listen to this one. I’ve listed the words for you to look over.

I want to reaffirm that we are everything to him. Every hurt, every disappointment, every “no” and everything that we deal with in silence. He wants to carry that too. He placed everything into motion all we have to do is stand in the palm of his hand and allow him to continue to work on our behalf. I know lately it seems as if we’ve been hit with random things, but this song encouraged me. He has not forgotten about us. As many people there is on the Earth, we each still mean everything to him. We hear all the time that he’s a good good Father and He will take care of us. That’s a promise he has to keep! I love you ladies ! Be encouraged.

Everything To  You – Bethel Music & Jenn Johnson

You placed the stars into motion

You called to the light and it came into place

Every detail of our beings You created

And like a good Father You will take care

You hold my being

You wrap Yourself around every detail of my life

You placed everything into motion

And all I have to do is stand in the palm of Your hand

‘Cause I mean everything to You

‘Cause I mean everything to You

You wrap yourself around me oh…

You hold me together in Your hand

When I’m feeling that I’m falling apart and I’m everywhere

You hold me now

‘Cause I mean everything to You

I mean everything to You

And You mean everything to me

And You mean everything to me

I bare my soul completely before You

All I am, all I am is Yours

‘Cause You mean everything to me

Everything in this whole world

 

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Floaties & Hammocks

Hammock

This is totally out of pocket today. I’m sitting here at the river and I’m like “Meme what you gonna post today? You’ve been at this river for almost three hours bruh!” #almostfellalseepouthere I watched people around me laying in hammocks (I’m too big for that.)  There were a lot of people heading towards the river with floaties (I think that’s what it’s called) LOL! I’m watching as they are loading these floaties with coolers, drinks, etc. As I’m watching my mind is running a 1000 miles per hour. I was amazed at how they just grabbed their belongings, got on a floatie, in the middle of the river and floated down the river effortlessly! I’m sitting here thinking, 1) how are they gonna stay afloat 2) how are you gonna get back down this way 3) where ya life jackets at 4) seriously, how are ya’ll gonna get back down here. I’m like Daddy (Abba) how they finna get back down here, do they even know where they are going? *in my Tamar B voice* & it clicked…not to be super deep. What I noticed was that these people trust that the floatie will hold them up while in the middle of the river. The lady laying in her hammock is swaying in peace knowing that she has two trees holding up the hammock up for her. I’m like Daddy, why don’t I trust you like that? Trust that where you’re taking me you will keep me. Why don’t I have faith like these individuals? They have tangible things, things they can hold on to justify why they are staying afloat.  Thank you, Daddy, for showing me that I don’t have to put my trust nor faith in man, objects, things, nor people. Anything can go wrong with these objects. So, like the floatie, you hold me. Like the hammock, you keep me. Like the river, you carry me.

The faith that is displayed here is unbelievable. Even though they can’t see the end, even though they don’t know where the river may take them, or what may happen in the river, they are resting in the fact that in that floatie, THEY ARE FINE! God, thank you for being my floatie, my hammock! In you, I AM JUST FINE! I AM SAFE!

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He Didn’t Choose Me

20180404_153029138_iOS

Was I not pretty enough? Probably not.
I didn’t look like her,
Talked like her
Even sway like her.
That’s why He didn’t choose me.
Are my insecurities that obvious?
Is my brokenness that noticeable?
Is it that noticeable that I suffer from the “daddy issue” syndrome?
I internalized the thought. I came up with my own theory.
If my daddy didn’t choose me, why would he choose me?
He said, “I chose the better woman” right to my FACE!
I realized then that I was not worthy.
I wasn’t good enough to be CHOSEN!
All my insecurities became more prevalent.
My inability to maintain good and healthy relationships
Vanished.
As a result, I just settled.
Settled for what I could get, all because HE DIDN’T CHOOSE ME!
So, I decided I’ll be your “back pocket” chick, your go to girl,
Your “me and my girl on the rocks” chick.
So, I began engaging in relationships that got me nowhere….
Only a temporary satisfaction,
P o i n t l e s s conversations, and an empty heart, VOID!
I was looking, yearning for love,
VALIDATION
Wanting to be wanted, til’ I became blinded to the fact that
HE, ABBA, My Savior, My Defender
Had already C H O S E N ME before I was EVEN FORMED!
I have been CHOSEN BY DADDY, NOT BY MAN!
#HECHOSEME

 

 

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Suffering In Silence

pexels-photo-278312.jpegWARNING: Super Transparent post!!!

I debated on whether I was gonna speak on mental health. I was like, “I don’t want to share that side.” But I can’t say that I will be transparent and only share certain parts of my story. Like I said, “I’m an open book” and my story can help someone else. The last 5 & a half years I have been battling with Bipolar Disorder Type I and Major Depressive Disorder. I suffer from Anxiety and Panic attacks. When I was diagnosed about 5 years ago, I was in denial. I told myself, “Girl black people don’t suffer from that!” How naïve, right?

I was always known as the comedian out of my circle, family and classmates. I took pride in making people laugh. But what people didn’t realize, I was suffering in silence. I was a depressed little girl on the inside who resorted to making people laugh. As long as people were laughing and the focus was not on me, I was good. The symptoms became more noticeable when I lost my close friend Jaywann back in February of 2013. I shut down. I didn’t go out, I wouldn’t talk, I barely ate. I was unemployed at the time so I had plenty of time just to sit and think and waddle in my depression.

Over the course of 5 years, I’ve been on at least 6 different types of antidepressants along with blood pressure medication, medication for migraines, back pain, and anxiety. It wasn’t until early part of 2017 when I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 1. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in 2013 as well.

I was reading a blog post by Shannon Hennig called “What’s It’s Like to Be a Black Woman with Bipolar Disorder.” (very good read btw). She said something so profound that wrapped up my feelings in a sentence or two. Hennig stated:

 Being a Black Woman with Bipolar Disorder is challenging and painful at times. The mental and emotional strain and stress from the symptoms begins to take a toll on you physically, which feeds low self-esteem. Feeling of inadequacy and ‘less than’ consume your thoughts and you’re constantly questioning your worth and existence.

That statement is so true. #honestmoment I thought by sharing this would (1) scare people off (2) people would totally judge me and (3) be a castaway. But God allowed me to share this post for young women like me. Young women who are suffering in silence. Women who’ve allowed this disorder to paralyze them and keep them bound. I’m not posting this to give you a remedy. I’m sharing this to give you day by day advice. Seek help! (it’s okay for black people to see a shrink!) Have open conversations with your family, friends, co-workers about the disorder and how you’re feeling. If prescribed, please take medication faithfully. Surround yourself with a community of people who will not only be there but also be an accountability partner.

Bipolar Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder is REAL! Don’t suffer in silence!

I’m thankful for my community! Link below for further reading on the article stated. Continue reading “Suffering In Silence”

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SHE

So, her inner desires take over
Uncontrollable.
It feels good,
Yet so wrong.
So, SHE falls into that pit once again.
Once again, SHE failed at trying to contain
Herself.
So, SHE apologizes to HIM yet again
SHE has let him down.
So instead of repenting, which means to
“never do it again,”
Instead SHE says, “I’m done.”
SHE apologizes.
Because she knows if SHE tries
To do it in her own strength,
SHE will never be DONE completely.
So, what does SHE do now?
SHE condemns herself for a while
Cry.
Weep.
Confess and acknowledge that it is wrong
And try to move on to the next task,
The next thing SHE can’t control in her own strength.
So, SHE pulls out her pen and pad
And she writes.
She writes out her frustrations, her desires, her willpower
And SHE realizes how badly
SHE needs HIM to come in and do a clean sweep.
Allow HIM to give her strength, the will power
To overcome her nasty
Dirty
Out of control
FLESH!
Because of her past, the exposure to things at an early agepexels-photo-247314.jpeg
SHE doesn’t realize that those spirts,
Those demons stem from her past.
So, SHE realizes that, yes this is a PROBLEM.
Once before SHE thought that SHE could control it.
Now SHE realizes that it’s time for HIM to take over
Because SHE can no longer handle IT alone.
So now SHE gives IT to HIM
Not realizing that HE was always
In the middle of SHE.
There is no longer SHE,
It’s just HE who’s never left HER!