My Heart

Journal Post

A P A T H Y

Apathy-noun- lack of interest, enthusiasm or concern.

I was reading my devotional and this statement stood out to me.

Our apathy serves as a coping mechanism that shields us from feeling!

#Transparentmoment I’ve been there more times than I can count. I’m there. I’ve back spaced, and typed those two words at least 5 times in less than two minutes. If I am going to be transparent, then I have to share certain parts of me that I would typically hide. So there you have it. I am here in this moment where APATHY is prevalent.

After reading the devotional again (I’ve only read it 3 times) there was a statement that hit me like a ton of bricks.

 So we often create superficial selves and relegate every relationship to the shallow end of the relational experience. Because we know how badly rejection can hurt, we’re afraid that someone might get to know us and decide not to like us. BUT the foundation of intimacy is vulnerability, and if you can’t be vulnerable, honest, and open, then you will never be able to escape the terrible prison of superficiality. You will never be able to fully embrace what it is to be real.

WOW! Deep right?!!? That statement explains how I’ve been feeling the last few days. I think today I need to be refreshed, do something fun. I encourage you on today to get out and do something that you haven’t done in a while. Go get some ice cream or catch a movie. (I’m speaking to myself as well)! Staying in the mood of A P A T H Y is a choice!

 

Random

Word Vomit 2

05September2018

I’m gonna let you guys into my brain for a quick second. **DISCLAIMER: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK TRANSPARENT POST!**

Sitting in class, cannot concentrate at all. Unexpected news right before walking in. After an emotional day, waking up this morning was much better. To be hit with this news and having to sit in a four-hour long class…can you say OVER IT! EXACTLY! I hate to be rude and leave out of class while he’s talking. However, my mind hasn’t been here for the last hour and a half. On the inside im screaming, “sir please shut up and let us go home!!!!”

Meanwhile back at the ranch, yesterday was a very hard day! My Grandmother was weighing heavy on my heart. Missing her like crazy on top of missing others as well. I stayed in the bed majority of the day. Depression started sinking in. Didn’t want to take anything, open any blinds, just wanted to lay in the bed, in isolation. Had a headache from hell! On top of not really having an appetite. #transparentmoment I wanted to run. Run where? Idk. I wanted to push people away. I was ready to block people, turn off my phone and just sleep and cry.

Today has just been one for the books. Depression definitely had its moment. Anxiety definitely settled in for a while. Prayerfully tomorrow is a better day.

**depression and anxiety is REAL! Call and check on your strong friend today! Share some love and encouraging words. More so, be there even if it means just listening and not saying a word.”

Journal Post, Singleness

In My Body…HARD

Man, can’t describe this feeling…
in my body HARD
to want something
someone
so much
but you allow rejection to keep you in that box
not allowing you to express how you feel 
for fear of not hearing what you want them to say
afraid that you will once again be 
wrong
made a fool
hurt again
 
on the other hand
its like what do i have to lose?
besides being embarrassed
and my pride being shut down
sigh
what’s a woman to do?
i feel myself getting angry.
angry at the fact that i keep doing this to myself
i continuously play it safe with my love life
guess i should say something, huh?
Journal Post, Self-image

i cant go back there…

i cant go back there.

back to holding the hand of rejection,

allowing it to walk with me daily.

i can’t go back there.

back to riding with shame 

allowing it to keep me bound.

i can’t go back there.

back to embracing abandonment

allowing it to make me feel like everyone is going to leave me, even the ones who said they never would.

i just can’t go back there.

back to dancing with fear

allowing it to paralyze me, allowing it to rob me of my goals, dreams, love and relationships

i just can’t go back there

back to nursing disappointment

allowing it to keep me from seeing the good in people, not putting expectations on people who i believe will let me down, or hurt me

i just can’t go back there.

#transparentmoment

however, today i visited every emotion

but i know i can’t stay there, it was only a moment

i can’t waddle in those emotions too long

if i do, i don’t think there’s no coming back.

so today i choose to acknowledge those feelings and combat them with positive affirmations.

Journal Post, Singleness

My Last Message

31july2018
black and blue plastic pen non top of black covered notebook
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

i called him.

i told him, “i’m outta there”
which translate to “i’m done.”
i debated on whether or not i should continue to be stupid
& fall for the “i don’t wanna be done. it’ll be different this time.”
yea, i heard that at least 4 times in the last month.
but tonight
i’m officially D O N E
your lost!
so now the process starts of me
“getting outta there”
deleted our thread
deleted you number
now it’s time to hit BLOCK!
i always heard the saying,
“people make time for what they WANNA make time for”
i was clearly an option
never a priority.
well tonight, i chose not to be stupid anymore
and allow you to treat me less than the queen i am
no more debating.
that was my last message….
Journal Post, Random

Gloomy

20July2018

gloomy.

so much pressure on my temples

watching the rain

as it tap dances on

the large window panes

watching the water as it

trickles down the window pane

and begins to fall so fastly

to the ground

&on the cars

gloomy.

everybody is still moving

the water running down the

window pane

makes me think of crying tears

how the flow of tears is a constant flow

its hard to determine whether the sky is crying tears of

joy or tears of sadness

gloomy.

 

Journal Post, Random, Singleness

Word Vomit

So many emotions

Was I suppose to reach out?

Or was I suppose to let fate decide

-mistake

mlg

sometimes

i stop myself from

saying the words out loud

as if leaving my mouth too often

might wear them down

-i love you

Quote from the sun and her flowers by rupi kaur

She once said “the only way to get great is to divorce good” -dr jackie greene

I guess this is my farewell

when you start loving someone new

you laugh at the indecisiveness of love

remember when you were sure

the last one was the one

and now here you are

redefining the one all over again

a fresh love is a gift

Quote from the sun and her flowers rupi kaur

Is it time to give up yet?

-me

mlg

**just how I’m feeling in this current moment**

Journal Post, Random

Random Blurbing

Hey, it’s one of those nights. Random thinking! So I’m flipping through an old journal, and I came across a few of my favorite quotes! Just thought I’d share.

Don’t be distracted by people who hate you because they think they deserve the success you’re getting for the work the didn’t do!

-Sprinkle of Jesus

Yea! That quote though!

You are about to become everything they feared you would be!

-Sprinkle of Jesus

Stay focused! Be ready!

Share your favorite quote below!

Thanks for reading!

 

 

Self-image

Unpretty