i called him.
so much pressure on my temples
watching the rain
as it tap dances on
the large window panes
watching the water as it
trickles down the window pane
and begins to fall so fastly
to the ground
&on the cars
everybody is still moving
the water running down the
makes me think of crying tears
how the flow of tears is a constant flow
its hard to determine whether the sky is crying tears of
joy or tears of sadness
heart beating fast
i so badly wanna cry
but then I’ll have to explain my tears
So many emotions
Was I suppose to reach out?
Or was I suppose to let fate decide
i stop myself from
saying the words out loud
as if leaving my mouth too often
might wear them down
-i love you
Quote from the sun and her flowers by rupi kaur
She once said “the only way to get great is to divorce good” -dr jackie greene
I guess this is my farewell
when you start loving someone new
you laugh at the indecisiveness of love
remember when you were sure
the last one was the one
and now here you are
redefining the one all over again
–a fresh love is a gift
Quote from the sun and her flowers rupi kaur
Is it time to give up yet?
**just how I’m feeling in this current moment**
Hey, it’s one of those nights. Random thinking! So I’m flipping through an old journal, and I came across a few of my favorite quotes! Just thought I’d share.
Don’t be distracted by people who hate you because they think they deserve the success you’re getting for the work the didn’t do!
-Sprinkle of Jesus
Yea! That quote though!
You are about to become everything they feared you would be!
-Sprinkle of Jesus
Stay focused! Be ready!
Share your favorite quote below!
Thanks for reading!
This blog is dedicated to all women who deal with self-esteem issues. It’s also dedicated to two women who inspired me, my mother Terrie and my spiritual mother Dr. Jackie Greene. Thank you! Ya girl is F R E E!
I did it! I can’t believe I cut my hair off! Yikes! Such a liberating feeling. A long journey to get to this place though. The inspiration for this blog came from an old TLC song called “Unpretty”. The lyrics literally are self-explanatory. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been insecure. I would compare myself to other girls ALL THE TIME! I would always try to hide behind the weave, make-up, clothes, nails, bags, you name it! I spent so much money trying to keep up an image and at the time trying to please a man. I didn’t believe that I was enough to be chosen. So, I figured I would “buy my pretty.” Which is why I am posting the hook to this song because that was my logic at the time. I wore so many “mask.” Because hiding was something I did best.
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel so
(Yeah) I’ll make you feel unpretty too
It’s crazy one line out of the song says, “My outsides look cool, my insides are blue.” Most definitely how my life was set up. I’ve always been told, “Meme you’re a pretty girl. Or the ‘why are you single, you’re so beautiful.” They had no idea that there was an insecure 10-year-old girl trapped inside, who had been suffering in silence for as long as she could remember. It wasn’t until this year, yeah, A L M O S T 30, to love me for me!
Cutting my hair was so emotional. Every time Addavia would cut, I was naming things that I was getting rid of. I got rid of the shame that I’ve carried for over 10 years. Got rid of the anger issues. The daddy issues that were literally suffocating me. The insecurity and low self-esteem. I got rid of all the lies I told myself. I cut away the guilt. A big one, I LET GO OF UNFORGIVENESS!!!! I got rid of rejection, and the feeling of being abandoned. It’s not an overnight process. It’s a daily walk for me! In exchange, I received FREEDOM! FREE TO BE THE REAL AUTHENTIC ME! I received a revelation that “old things have passed away! And I am now new!” E M B R A C E the new! I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH! I AM A SURE THING BECAUSE HE IS A SURE THING! I AM BEAUTIFUL! I AM A BRAVE GIRL! I AM AN OVERCOMER. I AM A SURVIVOR. I AM THE FREE MICAELA L GOLDEN. This journey hasn’t been easy nor is it over. I’m just getting started! YEAR 30 YA GIRL IS READY FOR YOU!
** from a voice recording 24 May 2018. Literally at the stoplight**
So how many times have we tried to make the green light, like literally on two wheels trying to make it cause we don’t want the red light to catch us?
I know that’s so true for me! Like literally just now I was like on almost two wheels. Like bruh hurry up I don’t want to get stopped by this red light and I am going too doggone fast to slow down for this yellow light. It dawned on me how we are in such a rush that we don’t want to wait. We want everything quick. We want to cruise right through this green light. Not knowing the importance of the red light and of the yellow light. The yellow light is caution, you know like “warning comes before destruction.”
The red light is the “hey stop! This cannot continue! Just stop, hang tight.” And although the stop seems like forever especially when I’m at the red light. I’m like bro this light has been red for at least 70 minutes, (yea maybe a little exaggerating.) But that’s how I feel. And I’m just like, “Why is it taking so long for this to change?” Wait Meme, you are ministering to yourself!!! #geesh Stop being in such a hurry to get things done or being in such a hurry to get to where you think you oughta be. For example, you’ve heard this line before, “Oh where your kids at, you bout to turn 30. Where’s ya husband?” So it puts a time limit on me. It puts me in a place to where I feel like I got to rush to find him and to have my babies . Because I mean, you’ll be 30 in December!
Trying to get the green light, when God clearly has me at a red light to prepare me, to develop my character in this red light season. So when the green light comes ain’t no stopping me baby. I’m good cause he’s good. I’m sure cause he’s sure. So now I know that I’m at a yellow light right now. The “caution baby girl!” Slow down! Be still and know that I am God that I got this. I’m the one who’s in control. I don’t work on your time . I’m like, all right Jesus this yellow light is kind of uncomfortable. But I’ll sit here because I know eventually you’re going to put me at a red light to where everything’s going to be at a standstill and I’m going to be like God what are you doing? Do you not hear me?
The red light is to shape you it’s not to punish you. It’s to get you to slow down and realize that its me. I control when things move or shake in your life. I control what doors open and what doors shut. That’s all me. So whether you’re at the yellow light right now, in a caution season where he’s like slow down. Hold up Shawty. He’s preparing you. Even if you’re at a red light don’t be dismayed don’t be discouraged because He’s still working on you through the red light. Don’t get so caught up in catching the green light that we miss HIM in the stillness on the yellow and the red light.
To my younger sisters,
If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have done somethings differently. I would have waited to have sex until I was married, until I was ready. I would have listened to Mama when she said, “hey leave him alone, he’s no good.” I would have trusted my gut and never drank from a cup that I put down at a party. I would have never allowed him to use me as an ashtray and to control my every move. I would have never crossed the line in a friendship and ruin it. So many “I would haves.”
I’ve made a TON of mistakes that I’m not proud of. One of my biggest regrets is loving and waiting on a man to choose me. Waiting on a man to validate me. Being a “back pocket” chick. Allowing a man who did so little for me, control my emotions, my life. I’ve made the mistake of trying to change who I was to fit what they wanted me to be. I was blinded. Looking for validation and love because that ship had sailed with a father who was emotionally unavailable. So therefore I… attracted men who were also unavailable. Which I didn’t realize until recently. Here are a few of the hard lessons I’ve learned over the years. One, you don’t need validation from MAN. Two, soul ties are real. So be careful! Three, you don’t have to change yourself for HIM to love you. Five, follow your gut. Last but not least, listen to your Mama. She’s been there and done that.
If you feel inadequate, you are enough. Don’t let anybody tell you anything different. I love you. You are worthy, beautiful, strong and courageous.Don’t ever become someone’s side chick. You are worth so much more. Always know that everything that glitters aint gold. Save yourself for marriage. And if you already messed up, recommit yourself from this point on. Don’t be afraid to be you. Don’t ever second guess yourself. I love you and I’ll always be there! Whenever you feel alone, you’re not. You got a BIG sister who’s got your back. I love you beloved
Your Big Sister
HIDE IN HIM! Their shield wasn’t BIG enough!
Who are you great mountain that you should not bow low, Jesus defeated the darkness, he has never lost a battle!
So the question is who are you great mountain? What are some things, obstacles even people that are mountains in your life?!? A few of my mountains:
- Self worth
- Self esteem
- Mind battles
- Some relationships
Whatever your mountain is, SPEAK TO IT TODAY! Right now!
Enjoy! Love you!