My Heart

Journal Post

Man I Luv A Brotha

I luv a brotha….

With every fiber in me

I love the way you walk—with so much confidence and swag—You walk with authority

I even love the little bounce you got in your step

Man I luv a brotha

I love the way you talk—so much passion and power. I even love the switch up—country to professional to hood, I love it all.

Man I luv a brotha

From your locs to your dreads to your fros, your braids especially your fades.

Whether you have a beard or not I love it either way.

Man I luv a brotha

It’s your swag and how you own everything you wear—from a suit & tie with a clean cut to jeans and a white tee with the scruffy look. I love it all.

Man I luv a brotha

From the fairest tone all the way down to my chocolate brothas with gorgeous teeth. I love it all.

Let me pause right quick and acknowledge the smile. The smile that you try to cover—not wanting to take off your cool.

Captivating and invigorating

Man I luv a brotha

Sweet baby Jesus, man I luv a brotha…I love everything about you!

Journal Post

P R O T O T Y P E

prototype noun pro·to·type | \ ˈprō-tə-ˌtīp

: an original model on which something is patterned : ARCHETYPE

You are a prototype. Your journey is different. Your journey is different!”

It was October 23rd 2018, I was sitting Indian style on the floor, crying uncontrollably due to the presence of God invading the place at our 6 for 2. (6 for 2 is our prayer time at church where we meet and seek the Father at 6 am.) Pastor Travis came over and spoke those words over me. So appropriate for the season I was in.

I remember during that season of my life ya girl was in a “heavy comparison” phase. I was comparing my journey to others constantly. I’m going to be completely honest. I didn’t understand why people were getting things that I desired. Why was it taking me so long to get to my ideal situation? Why am I not married yet? Why does it seem that they have it so easy? Why does my journey have to take so long? All of these questions taunted me frequently. So I took all these questions to the Father that morning and left with those words which will forever be inscribed in my heart.

I left that morning, no longer comparing myself to other people and their journey. It’s become an affirmation for me. My journey is different. I am the PROTOTYPE!

Be encouraged! Your journey is different and you are a prototype! 💜

 

Family

Just A Few More Days

“Just a few more days, the king ain’t ready for me yet!” She said this to me with such confidence and reassurance that her time was coming near. My response, ”Grandma, you ain’t going nowhere. You haven’t seen me graduate from grad school neither get married nor have kids.” She said so softly to me with a small grin, “okay baby.”

It was a month from this day, July 12th 2016, that I would say my last goodbye to the woman who meant everything to me. The month of July will forever be a special month to me. My Grandma was preparing me all month long but I was in denial. Heavy denial. I’ve never heard of anyone being so excited to see the King as she was. Meanwhile, my heart was breaking knowing that she was slowly drifting away. Knowing that she would never be able to physically witness everything I was set to accomplish was heartbreaking.

I remember her stay in the hospital like it was yesterday. There was a particular moment that will forever be in my heart. My grandma never took off her rings—NEVER! She was in the process of taking them off and she turned towards me and said “Hold on to these for Grandma.” I looked at her like what’s happening? Tears began to roll down my face because that would be the last time she ever wore them.

That moment was one of the toughest moments for me because I knew that time was really drawing near. They released her which I thought would be for the last time but it wasn’t. Before going back for the final time she said once again, “Just a few more days baby. The king isn’t ready for me yet.” I once again brushed her off with the same response. She said to me with the same grin and same tone, “okay baby.” And we started talking about something else.

I’m grateful to the Father that he allowed those moments to happen between us. That all along she was preparing me for her departure. Her “few more days” turned into a month later. August 12th 2016, Grandma took her final breath. It hit me, that the King was ready for her and she was just as ready to see him.

Journal Post, new chapter, Singleness

Occupied

Occupied: adjective – 1. Busy and active 2. Being used by someone

Have you ever been in such a hurry to talk to your best friend about some bomb tea you just got? Only to call her and you get “the person you’re trying to reach is unavailable at this time.” Bummer right?!? How about being in a rush to use the restroom only to get there and the sign says “occupied?” Don’t you hate that?!! I know I do.

The adrenaline rush is an indescribable feeling. So much pressure getting to a place or waiting for something only to get there and it’s occupied. It’s a frustrating feeling to be in arms reach of something or someone but not able to access or use it because it’s being used or unavailable or busy. So now you’re just going to have to wait until it becomes available again. That’s a hurtful feeling.

Personally for me, waiting can be extremely aggravating especially when I’m in a rush. Like come on it shouldn’t take that long. Often times that’s how we look at the Father. Like come on Jesus, you’ve shown me a glimpse of my promise already and it’s in arms reach, I mean RIGHT THERE! Why do I still have to wait? Just let me have it already. And God is like, “hold tight Micaela, not yet.” I’m like but God I’m ready though.” In the famous words of my Pastor Travis Greene “If you were ready, YOU WOULD BE THERE!” That stung a little even reading it aloud just now.

It hit me literally today! Waiting isn’t all that bad. It’s what you’re doing while waiting that matters. My focus is allowing the Father to break me, mold me, get rid of somethings, show me some more things about myself that I need to change and live my best life. From the outside looking in, you can say that I’m occupied myself. I’m being used by the Father throughout this waiting process. It doesn’t always feel good and it does get lonely however it’ll be worth it in the end.

Journal Post

It’s Subtle…

29May2019

I don’t wanna feel like this. I’m not supposed to feel like this. I thought I was pass this. Thoughts that consume my mind on today. I thought I had this depression thing under control. Like, naw girl, you don’t deal with it as much as you use to. Little did I know depression is subtle, anxiety is subtle. When you think you’re good, something triggers you and sends you a few steps back. So what do you do? For me, I sleep. For a while, I would just try to play it off and ignore what I was feeling. I would continuously say, “Girl, you don’t have time for depression today. Find something else to focus on,” I did that a few times. IGNORED, what was going on with me mentally. As I’m writing this, shame is trying to creep in. Simply because I feel like I should be past this. I feel like all the messages I’ve heard, how in the world can you still have days like this. With the community of people you have, how can you still have days like this? So many people are depending on your smile, on your kind words, on your energy. You can’t afford to have days like this. I know that it stems from me STILL trying to carry portions of perfection. But I’m flawed and I have my days. I have to be honest with myself and with those around me. Everyday isn’t going to be peaches and cream and that’s okay.

I was watching a documentary called “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words.” One quote that struck me “You can’t get your body and emotions on the same page” by Bennie Tucker. That’s where I am today. I don’t feel like it. Pieces of me wants to get up and go outside, but other parts of me just wants to eat and sleep and remain in bed. As I’m writing this I’m just like God how did I get here? What triggered me? The feeling of not being in control of certain outcomes, feeling defeated, feeling like a failure. Just to name a few. Battling with the thought of whether or not I should reach out and talk to anyone today. Needless to say, I decided not to. I just wanted to be quiet. I know that I have plenty of people that I could talk to, but sometimes it’s easier to just be quiet and try to work through it on your own. Everybody isn’t going to understand and that’s okay.

For those who don’t understand depression, I personally think watching “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words” would shed some light. If you or anyone you know suffers from depression, talk to someone. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-4357 National Hopeline Network 1-800-784-2433.

If depression has escalated to suicidal thoughts please contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

P.S. i love you 💜you’re not alone

Uncategorized

02May2019

So today my emotions were all over the place. I’ve felt useless today, overwhelmed, disappointed, and lonely. My mind has been on 1000. I didn’t feel like myself with everything going on this week. So what I did was beat my face, put on my favorite sundress and ride out. Well I did that and I’m still in a fog. I’m not posting this for sympathy at all. I’m posting this to help someone who maybe in the same boat as myself. I didn’t want to talk to God today about it. I just wanted to fix it myself and I can’t. I tried to cover how I was feeling and GET OVER how I was feeling real quick. Then I talked to my sis and she said something that really stuck me.

“It’s unhealthy to rush through what you’re feeling!”

-SiQuena W.

So at this current moment I’m acknowledging how I feel. Standing in my feelings but not residing there. I’m going to cry it out, get me some ice cream, and watch my favorite movie and write later.

Whoever is reading this, and feeling the same way—don’t rush through how you’re feeling. Feel it love and keep it moving. #Transparentmoment #NotesToMySisters

P.S. i love you

Journal Post, Random

A Second Listen

“Everything to Me” by Bethel Music has been on repeat now for the last hour. Yes! I’m that girl that will run a song out. However I can’t seem to shake this one tonight. In my mind, I wanted to change the song several times but I couldn’t.

I’ve heard this song a ton of times. But it hit differently because I’m in a different place, listening to it now with intent. To know that I mean EVERYTHING to a man who MADE EVERYTHING is something that I can’t comprehend. Like little ol me, means everything to a man who is the creator of the universe. Like, he’s God! He’s super busy! Yet out of billions of people, I, me, Micaela—still mean everything to him.

You hold my being

You wrap Yourself around every detail of my life

You placed everything into motion

And all I have to do is stand in the palm of Your hand

You mean to tell me that he knows every detail of my life—past, present and future and still chooses to love me in spite of?!? Geesh! Why?!? I mess up daily and he still says “Micaela you are still everything to me! I love you with an everlasting love.”

As I’m writing this note, the tears are falling down my face. I’m not sad. I’m just grateful. My Daddy, my ABBA loves me. I mean loves me deeply. I’m overwhelmed because I’ll never understand why. Why me?

Thank you Daddy! This was a great reminder that I mean everything to you and YOU mean everything to me.

💜 your favorite girl

Journal Post

The Pressure Is Off

I needed to update my music library. So I added some new releases like HillSong:United, and Bethel Music: VICTORY. I typed in Steffany Gretzinger to see if she had any new music and came across an old album of hers called The Undoing. I only got through one song before coming across a song called “I Spoke Up.” Man!!! I believe I found the perfect song that is so fitting for me. I feel like she wrote it just for me! I’ve only listened to it for….I’ve lost count now. But I wanted to share the lyrics.

Everyone knows that I was the good girl

I did my best to make everyone happy with me

But then I found out that

It was impossible to please the whole crowd

[Chorus] So I spoke up and I spoke out

I learned that love don’t hold its tongue

And passion doesn’t bow to what they think

It’s You and me

Sometimes it’s painful to be brave

To look fear in the face

And know Your name

To find Your strength

This was my story. To know that I was bound by people’s opinions of me and the labels they placed on me, was a hard reality to face. Super transparent moment, I still deal with it at times. It’s a daily thing for me. I have to remind myself daily that I can’t please everyone. Trying to do that is tiring. Kinda crazy that I’m just figuring it out at 30, right?

My favorite line out of the song was, “It was impossible to please the whole crowd, so I spoke up and I spoke out. I learned that love don’t hold its tongue.” I can’t allow fear of not pleasing everyone hold me back any longer. Out of love I can simply say how I feel and BE OKAY WITH IT! Some may fall away, some may not like what I have to say and some may not even agree. But I can no longer remain silent about how I feel or be afraid to do what I really want to do because of “people.”

For the one who is just like me, the pressure is off. It’s okay to SPEAK UP and SPEAK OUT! I challenge you, as well as myself to be brave, be you, speak up and speak out.

The pressure is OFF!

💜i love you

Journal Post, Random

But I Didn’t Ask You…

**Going through some old notes and found this 26June2018**

But I didn’t ask you to touch me.

You did without my permission!

I didn’t ask you to take my innocence,

But you did.

I didn’t ask for you to be absent in my life,

Or be emotionally detached

But you did!

I didn’t ask for hattie to leave me,

But she did

I didnt ask for you to abandon me

But you did

I didn’t ask you to break my heart

But you did anyway

I didn’t ask you to choose her but….

You did!

You never asked for my permission

You just did!

But what I asked of the Father was to give me my authority to choose back!

So today, you do not have my permission to take advantage of me again

You do not have permission to run over me again

You do not have permission to control my emotions and my thoughts

You don’t have permission to misuse my trust

You don’t have permission to pop in and out of my life!

You do have permission to leave me be, to leave if you’re not adding to my life

You do have permission to either love me or hate me or leave me alone….

Journal Post, new chapter, Random, Self-image

Thank You 29…Hello 30

29 has taught me so much. I’ve learned what faith looks like, what grace feels like, what his mercy does and what his love covers. It’s shown me that I live in fear of rejection too much. I care way too much about what people think. I learned that when someone’s season is up in my life, don’t feel guilty nor bad but count it as a blessing for the lessons they’ve taught me. I’ve learned that people will walk away and that’s fine. There are some people I’ve had to walk away from and that’s fine too. 29 has taught me to be comfortable in the skin that I am in and that it’s okay to be me. It’s okay to be vulnerable. 29 has taught me that I AM NOT MY HAIR AND THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am worthy to be loved. This year the concrete around my heart has slowly but surely been dropping away. Chapter 29 has taken me through so many ups and downs. I’ve cried more this year than I did the year before. I’ve endured some of the roughest seasons, but I made it. I’ve traveled a lot more this year. I became a WHOLE AUTHOR IN THESE STREETS. I started my own blog site as well. I’ve prayed more this year. I became a better prayer warrior this year. I’ve became a little bolder, a little wiser, more mature. I’ve gained more family, friends, and community. I got to witness my siblings make major life moves this year.

HELLO 30, I won’t be taking fear, shame, doubt, anxiety, rejection, abandonment, nor low self esteem. Year 30 will be filled with more joy, peace, prosperity, laughter, love, boss moves, maturity and wealth. I will stand in what and who God has called me to be. I would be lying if I said that I’m not a little nervous about 30. But I know that God is going to be with me every step of the way. So I am going to be more honest with myself and others, love me first, be more vulnerable, take more risks, love hard, give my all and seek the Father like never before. 2019 is MINE BABY! And I AM READY! I am a FULL GROWN WOMAN who is not afraid to be me. Let’s go 30! Cheers to a new chapter!

Sincerely,

Micaela L Golden

“Grown and Save-y”