My Heart

Journal Post, new chapter, Random, Self-image

Thank You 29…Hello 30

29 has taught me so much. I’ve learned what faith looks like, what grace feels like, what his mercy does and what his love covers. It’s shown me that I live in fear of rejection too much. I care way too much about what people think. I learned that when someone’s season is up in my life, don’t feel guilty nor bad but count it as a blessing for the lessons they’ve taught me. I’ve learned that people will walk away and that’s fine. There are some people I’ve had to walk away from and that’s fine too. 29 has taught me to be comfortable in the skin that I am in and that it’s okay to be me. It’s okay to be vulnerable. 29 has taught me that I AM NOT MY HAIR AND THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am worthy to be loved. This year the concrete around my heart has slowly but surely been dropping away. Chapter 29 has taken me through so many ups and downs. I’ve cried more this year than I did the year before. I’ve endured some of the roughest seasons, but I made it. I’ve traveled a lot more this year. I became a WHOLE AUTHOR IN THESE STREETS. I started my own blog site as well. I’ve prayed more this year. I became a better prayer warrior this year. I’ve became a little bolder, a little wiser, more mature. I’ve gained more family, friends, and community. I got to witness my siblings make major life moves this year.

HELLO 30, I won’t be taking fear, shame, doubt, anxiety, rejection, abandonment, nor low self esteem. Year 30 will be filled with more joy, peace, prosperity, laughter, love, boss moves, maturity and wealth. I will stand in what and who God has called me to be. I would be lying if I said that I’m not a little nervous about 30. But I know that God is going to be with me every step of the way. So I am going to be more honest with myself and others, love me first, be more vulnerable, take more risks, love hard, give my all and seek the Father like never before. 2019 is MINE BABY! And I AM READY! I am a FULL GROWN WOMAN who is not afraid to be me. Let’s go 30! Cheers to a new chapter!

Sincerely,

Micaela L Golden

“Grown and Save-y”

Journal Post, Random

Can’t Strike Out

I tried FOUR times! FOUR times I tried to STRIKE OUT! FOUR times I said “it’s not worth it!” FOUR times I tried to play God and determine my own fate.

STRIKE ONE: I was about 15 years old. I took 19 pills and said “this is it. What I’ve done I’m too ashamed. I’ve disappointed so many people. There is no way I can go back out there. It’s too hard.” After taking the pills, I waited a while and the only thing that happened was me throwing up and feeling really ill. I was mad when I got up off the floor in the bathroom of my Grandma’s house. Mad because it didn’t work. I remember my Grandma taking care of me. I knew she was praying for me. I believe she knew what was happening.

SSSTTRRIKKKEE TWO: I was 20 and in college. It was my first semester at South Carolina State University (I love my HBCU). I was overwhelmed. I started my college journey off at Morris College and I later transferred to SCSU in 08. There was so much going on back at home that I was dealing with. I was dealing with the anxiety of being away from home. I wasn’t making friends fast enough and I was having nightmares from an event that happened the day before I left. I tried 19 pills again. This time I had alcohol in my system. I cried and said, “I quit. I don’t want to do this anymore!” Once again the only thing that happened was me getting sick. I was told by some friends that I needed to seek help and I did. I was on suicide watch IN COLLEGE! And I was embarrassed to seek help. So after a while I stopped going to counseling and decided I would help myself.

STTTTTRRRRIIKKKEEE THREE: I’m living in Georgia. It’s 2012. I was living my best life. I was making good money and I was adulting. Didn’t have my Mama to come to my rescue. She would’ve taken the FOUR hour trip if need be. I was talking to who I thought was the “perfect guy.” (Sidebar: I ended up being wrong.) It was October 31st when I said, “Yup I’m better off gone.” A misunderstanding took place that blew all the way up. Prior to that I was battling internally with depression. Battling isolation and not feeling good enough. So once again I went for the pills. My aunt found me in my closet laying on the floor crying with the pills in my hand. She said, “Babygirl, what’s happening? What’s wrong?” I rambled off everything that was happening and she said “it’s not worth it. Do you understand the consequences that will come behind this?” All I could do was cry. The next day I moved back to South Carolina to be with my Mama; for her to love on me.

STRRRRIIIKKKEEE FOUR: I just can’t strike out. Geesh. Clearly pills wasn’t a good method. I thought to myself “Meme you gotta try something else, something quick.” It was August 19th 2017. I’d had a bad day at work. I was frustrated with my job, still grieving the passing of my Grandma. I wasn’t happy with life. I was angry. After work I went to Willie Sues with some friends. I left Willie Sues upset and feeling worse than I got there. I called my best friend and I told him, I can’t do this more. While on the phone I purposely slowed down when I saw an 18 wheeler coming. I said to him, “This is it. I’ll go out this way.” My family would be fine financially because I had a good insurance policy. He pleaded with me to go home, “don’t do it, let’s talk.” It was his last “Meme it’s not worth it. Think of all the people you will hurt.” I kept crying and pulled out of the way just in time!

I’ve had FOUR suicide attempts and God spared me every time. He said, “I’ve got work for you to do! You’re still here because you have to fulfill your purpose!” It wasn’t until my 29th birthday dinner that I said I would never try to kill myself again because I have so much to live for and so much work to do here. It wasn’t my time to go! I just COULDN’T STRIKE OUT!

If anyone reading this post is battling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. Know that you are loved and you are needed!

Journal Post, Random

Whatchu Mean You Left?

Almost eight months ago, I left my job. Yes, you read it right. I left my 9-5 job. I’m not going to sugarcoat nothing in this blog. Super transparent blog. So yeah left my job in March of this year. I asked God, “Are you sure? Did I hear you right?” You know how you act deaf with an instruction the Father gives you, especially when it takes you out of your comfort zone! That was me. The place that I became so comfortable with, yet uncomfortable– God was saying your time is up. I’d been with the company for almost four years. But God said, there’s more that I want to show you and do in you. So March 23, 2018, was my last day. It was super emotional. People kept asking me, “So what are you gonna now? Do you have another job lined up? What are you going to do about insurance?” My answer was simple. “I don’t know, but I trust God.” This was the biggest faith move of my life! Also the scariest time of my life.

I had grown accustomed to every two weeks getting a paycheck. Waking up at 5:30 am every morning to prepare for work. But my world began to turn as soon as I realized that I no longer could depend on my job for finances but I now had to turn the creator of ALL THINGS and lean TOTALLY on him. Has it been easy? N O P E ‼️ Were there days when I wanted to go back? YUPP! But I always have to remember that God is my source not man.

The first few months went by smooth. I started counseling again, I started writing again and volunteering at my church more. I was like this is the life. I felt so free! Then after a while, reality hit me. Girl, your 401K is out, your bills for the next month are vastly approaching. Here comes July and I’m broke. I started to panic. Started questioning whether I heard the Father right. I said, “God it was supposed to be smooth sailing from here but it’s not!” I got weary and frustrated. I remember saying “Lord don’t have me out here looking crazy in these streets. I done told these people that you gonna take care of me. Don’t make me eat my words!”
Well he shut my mouth in August. I was coming up on my thirty days for my car payment. Mind you I’VE NEVER BEEN LATE PAYING MY BILLS AT ALL! This was definitely an issue for me! I was like God come on now, what’s happening? Well day 29, I received a cash app for the exact dollar amount of my car payment! OUT OF NOWHERE! Those of you that know me, you know I wept right!?? The following month found myself in the same situation and once again BOOM 💥, God did it again! He’s been keeping me all along. On days when I doubted him, he never left me. He showed me that he is my PROVIDER and only he can make PROVISION like that.

I still have some people who say “whatchu mean you left?” My response is,” yea I did! And if I never left I wouldn’t have published my first book, start a blog, meet the people I’ve met nor be in the position I’m in now.” The moral of this testimony is to encourage those to follow the voice of the Father and to trust him with everything! LITERALLY! I’m living proof that he’s a promise keeper! I may not have the money I desire, or the ability to shop like I want to but I have something neither one can provide. It’s called PEACE! Getchu some! Be encouraged guys! It’s worth it! The enemy has given me his best shot! It only knocked me to my knees and forced me to trust him more. It’s not easy but it’s worth it!

💜💜

Journal Post

A P A T H Y

Apathy-noun- lack of interest, enthusiasm or concern.

I was reading my devotional and this statement stood out to me.

Our apathy serves as a coping mechanism that shields us from feeling!

#Transparentmoment I’ve been there more times than I can count. I’m there. I’ve back spaced, and typed those two words at least 5 times in less than two minutes. If I am going to be transparent, then I have to share certain parts of me that I would typically hide. So there you have it. I am here in this moment where APATHY is prevalent.

After reading the devotional again (I’ve only read it 3 times) there was a statement that hit me like a ton of bricks.

 So we often create superficial selves and relegate every relationship to the shallow end of the relational experience. Because we know how badly rejection can hurt, we’re afraid that someone might get to know us and decide not to like us. BUT the foundation of intimacy is vulnerability, and if you can’t be vulnerable, honest, and open, then you will never be able to escape the terrible prison of superficiality. You will never be able to fully embrace what it is to be real.

WOW! Deep right?!!? That statement explains how I’ve been feeling the last few days. I think today I need to be refreshed, do something fun. I encourage you on today to get out and do something that you haven’t done in a while. Go get some ice cream or catch a movie. (I’m speaking to myself as well)! Staying in the mood of A P A T H Y is a choice!

 

Random

Word Vomit 2

05September2018

I’m gonna let you guys into my brain for a quick second. **DISCLAIMER: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK TRANSPARENT POST!**

Sitting in class, cannot concentrate at all. Unexpected news right before walking in. After an emotional day, waking up this morning was much better. To be hit with this news and having to sit in a four-hour long class…can you say OVER IT! EXACTLY! I hate to be rude and leave out of class while he’s talking. However, my mind hasn’t been here for the last hour and a half. On the inside im screaming, “sir please shut up and let us go home!!!!”

Meanwhile back at the ranch, yesterday was a very hard day! My Grandmother was weighing heavy on my heart. Missing her like crazy on top of missing others as well. I stayed in the bed majority of the day. Depression started sinking in. Didn’t want to take anything, open any blinds, just wanted to lay in the bed, in isolation. Had a headache from hell! On top of not really having an appetite. #transparentmoment I wanted to run. Run where? Idk. I wanted to push people away. I was ready to block people, turn off my phone and just sleep and cry.

Today has just been one for the books. Depression definitely had its moment. Anxiety definitely settled in for a while. Prayerfully tomorrow is a better day.

**depression and anxiety is REAL! Call and check on your strong friend today! Share some love and encouraging words. More so, be there even if it means just listening and not saying a word.”

Journal Post, Singleness

In My Body…HARD

Man, can’t describe this feeling…
in my body HARD
to want something
someone
so much
but you allow rejection to keep you in that box
not allowing you to express how you feel 
for fear of not hearing what you want them to say
afraid that you will once again be 
wrong
made a fool
hurt again
 
on the other hand
its like what do i have to lose?
besides being embarrassed
and my pride being shut down
sigh
what’s a woman to do?
i feel myself getting angry.
angry at the fact that i keep doing this to myself
i continuously play it safe with my love life
guess i should say something, huh?
Journal Post, Self-image

i cant go back there…

i cant go back there.

back to holding the hand of rejection,

allowing it to walk with me daily.

i can’t go back there.

back to riding with shame 

allowing it to keep me bound.

i can’t go back there.

back to embracing abandonment

allowing it to make me feel like everyone is going to leave me, even the ones who said they never would.

i just can’t go back there.

back to dancing with fear

allowing it to paralyze me, allowing it to rob me of my goals, dreams, love and relationships

i just can’t go back there

back to nursing disappointment

allowing it to keep me from seeing the good in people, not putting expectations on people who i believe will let me down, or hurt me

i just can’t go back there.

#transparentmoment

however, today i visited every emotion

but i know i can’t stay there, it was only a moment

i can’t waddle in those emotions too long

if i do, i don’t think there’s no coming back.

so today i choose to acknowledge those feelings and combat them with positive affirmations.

Journal Post, Singleness

My Last Message

31july2018
black and blue plastic pen non top of black covered notebook
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

i called him.

i told him, “i’m outta there”
which translate to “i’m done.”
i debated on whether or not i should continue to be stupid
& fall for the “i don’t wanna be done. it’ll be different this time.”
yea, i heard that at least 4 times in the last month.
but tonight
i’m officially D O N E
your lost!
so now the process starts of me
“getting outta there”
deleted our thread
deleted you number
now it’s time to hit BLOCK!
i always heard the saying,
“people make time for what they WANNA make time for”
i was clearly an option
never a priority.
well tonight, i chose not to be stupid anymore
and allow you to treat me less than the queen i am
no more debating.
that was my last message….
Journal Post, Random

Gloomy

20July2018

gloomy.

so much pressure on my temples

watching the rain

as it tap dances on

the large window panes

watching the water as it

trickles down the window pane

and begins to fall so fastly

to the ground

&on the cars

gloomy.

everybody is still moving

the water running down the

window pane

makes me think of crying tears

how the flow of tears is a constant flow

its hard to determine whether the sky is crying tears of

joy or tears of sadness

gloomy.