My Heart

Family

Just A Few More Days

“Just a few more days, the king ain’t ready for me yet!” She said this to me with such confidence and reassurance that her time was coming near. My response, ”Grandma, you ain’t going nowhere. You haven’t seen me graduate from grad school neither get married nor have kids.” She said so softly to me with a small grin, “okay baby.”

It was a month from this day, July 12th 2016, that I would say my last goodbye to the woman who meant everything to me. The month of July will forever be a special month to me. My Grandma was preparing me all month long but I was in denial. Heavy denial. I’ve never heard of anyone being so excited to see the King as she was. Meanwhile, my heart was breaking knowing that she was slowly drifting away. Knowing that she would never be able to physically witness everything I was set to accomplish was heartbreaking.

I remember her stay in the hospital like it was yesterday. There was a particular moment that will forever be in my heart. My grandma never took off her rings—NEVER! She was in the process of taking them off and she turned towards me and said “Hold on to these for Grandma.” I looked at her like what’s happening? Tears began to roll down my face because that would be the last time she ever wore them.

That moment was one of the toughest moments for me because I knew that time was really drawing near. They released her which I thought would be for the last time but it wasn’t. Before going back for the final time she said once again, “Just a few more days baby. The king isn’t ready for me yet.” I once again brushed her off with the same response. She said to me with the same grin and same tone, “okay baby.” And we started talking about something else.

I’m grateful to the Father that he allowed those moments to happen between us. That all along she was preparing me for her departure. Her “few more days” turned into a month later. August 12th 2016, Grandma took her final breath. It hit me, that the King was ready for her and she was just as ready to see him.

Journal Post, new chapter, Singleness

Occupied

Occupied: adjective – 1. Busy and active 2. Being used by someone

Have you ever been in such a hurry to talk to your best friend about some bomb tea you just got? Only to call her and you get “the person you’re trying to reach is unavailable at this time.” Bummer right?!? How about being in a rush to use the restroom only to get there and the sign says “occupied?” Don’t you hate that?!! I know I do.

The adrenaline rush is an indescribable feeling. So much pressure getting to a place or waiting for something only to get there and it’s occupied. It’s a frustrating feeling to be in arms reach of something or someone but not able to access or use it because it’s being used or unavailable or busy. So now you’re just going to have to wait until it becomes available again. That’s a hurtful feeling.

Personally for me, waiting can be extremely aggravating especially when I’m in a rush. Like come on it shouldn’t take that long. Often times that’s how we look at the Father. Like come on Jesus, you’ve shown me a glimpse of my promise already and it’s in arms reach, I mean RIGHT THERE! Why do I still have to wait? Just let me have it already. And God is like, “hold tight Micaela, not yet.” I’m like but God I’m ready though.” In the famous words of my Pastor Travis Greene “If you were ready, YOU WOULD BE THERE!” That stung a little even reading it aloud just now.

It hit me literally today! Waiting isn’t all that bad. It’s what you’re doing while waiting that matters. My focus is allowing the Father to break me, mold me, get rid of somethings, show me some more things about myself that I need to change and live my best life. From the outside looking in, you can say that I’m occupied myself. I’m being used by the Father throughout this waiting process. It doesn’t always feel good and it does get lonely however it’ll be worth it in the end.

Journal Post

It’s Subtle…

29May2019

I don’t wanna feel like this. I’m not supposed to feel like this. I thought I was pass this. Thoughts that consume my mind on today. I thought I had this depression thing under control. Like, naw girl, you don’t deal with it as much as you use to. Little did I know depression is subtle, anxiety is subtle. When you think you’re good, something triggers you and sends you a few steps back. So what do you do? For me, I sleep. For a while, I would just try to play it off and ignore what I was feeling. I would continuously say, “Girl, you don’t have time for depression today. Find something else to focus on,” I did that a few times. IGNORED, what was going on with me mentally. As I’m writing this, shame is trying to creep in. Simply because I feel like I should be past this. I feel like all the messages I’ve heard, how in the world can you still have days like this. With the community of people you have, how can you still have days like this? So many people are depending on your smile, on your kind words, on your energy. You can’t afford to have days like this. I know that it stems from me STILL trying to carry portions of perfection. But I’m flawed and I have my days. I have to be honest with myself and with those around me. Everyday isn’t going to be peaches and cream and that’s okay.

I was watching a documentary called “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words.” One quote that struck me “You can’t get your body and emotions on the same page” by Bennie Tucker. That’s where I am today. I don’t feel like it. Pieces of me wants to get up and go outside, but other parts of me just wants to eat and sleep and remain in bed. As I’m writing this I’m just like God how did I get here? What triggered me? The feeling of not being in control of certain outcomes, feeling defeated, feeling like a failure. Just to name a few. Battling with the thought of whether or not I should reach out and talk to anyone today. Needless to say, I decided not to. I just wanted to be quiet. I know that I have plenty of people that I could talk to, but sometimes it’s easier to just be quiet and try to work through it on your own. Everybody isn’t going to understand and that’s okay.

For those who don’t understand depression, I personally think watching “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words” would shed some light. If you or anyone you know suffers from depression, talk to someone. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-4357 National Hopeline Network 1-800-784-2433.

If depression has escalated to suicidal thoughts please contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

P.S. i love you 💜you’re not alone

Uncategorized

02May2019

So today my emotions were all over the place. I’ve felt useless today, overwhelmed, disappointed, and lonely. My mind has been on 1000. I didn’t feel like myself with everything going on this week. So what I did was beat my face, put on my favorite sundress and ride out. Well I did that and I’m still in a fog. I’m not posting this for sympathy at all. I’m posting this to help someone who maybe in the same boat as myself. I didn’t want to talk to God today about it. I just wanted to fix it myself and I can’t. I tried to cover how I was feeling and GET OVER how I was feeling real quick. Then I talked to my sis and she said something that really stuck me.

“It’s unhealthy to rush through what you’re feeling!”

-SiQuena W.

So at this current moment I’m acknowledging how I feel. Standing in my feelings but not residing there. I’m going to cry it out, get me some ice cream, and watch my favorite movie and write later.

Whoever is reading this, and feeling the same way—don’t rush through how you’re feeling. Feel it love and keep it moving. #Transparentmoment #NotesToMySisters

P.S. i love you

Journal Post, Random

A Second Listen

“Everything to Me” by Bethel Music has been on repeat now for the last hour. Yes! I’m that girl that will run a song out. However I can’t seem to shake this one tonight. In my mind, I wanted to change the song several times but I couldn’t.

I’ve heard this song a ton of times. But it hit differently because I’m in a different place, listening to it now with intent. To know that I mean EVERYTHING to a man who MADE EVERYTHING is something that I can’t comprehend. Like little ol me, means everything to a man who is the creator of the universe. Like, he’s God! He’s super busy! Yet out of billions of people, I, me, Micaela—still mean everything to him.

You hold my being

You wrap Yourself around every detail of my life

You placed everything into motion

And all I have to do is stand in the palm of Your hand

You mean to tell me that he knows every detail of my life—past, present and future and still chooses to love me in spite of?!? Geesh! Why?!? I mess up daily and he still says “Micaela you are still everything to me! I love you with an everlasting love.”

As I’m writing this note, the tears are falling down my face. I’m not sad. I’m just grateful. My Daddy, my ABBA loves me. I mean loves me deeply. I’m overwhelmed because I’ll never understand why. Why me?

Thank you Daddy! This was a great reminder that I mean everything to you and YOU mean everything to me.

💜 your favorite girl

Journal Post

The Pressure Is Off

I needed to update my music library. So I added some new releases like HillSong:United, and Bethel Music: VICTORY. I typed in Steffany Gretzinger to see if she had any new music and came across an old album of hers called The Undoing. I only got through one song before coming across a song called “I Spoke Up.” Man!!! I believe I found the perfect song that is so fitting for me. I feel like she wrote it just for me! I’ve only listened to it for….I’ve lost count now. But I wanted to share the lyrics.

Everyone knows that I was the good girl

I did my best to make everyone happy with me

But then I found out that

It was impossible to please the whole crowd

[Chorus] So I spoke up and I spoke out

I learned that love don’t hold its tongue

And passion doesn’t bow to what they think

It’s You and me

Sometimes it’s painful to be brave

To look fear in the face

And know Your name

To find Your strength

This was my story. To know that I was bound by people’s opinions of me and the labels they placed on me, was a hard reality to face. Super transparent moment, I still deal with it at times. It’s a daily thing for me. I have to remind myself daily that I can’t please everyone. Trying to do that is tiring. Kinda crazy that I’m just figuring it out at 30, right?

My favorite line out of the song was, “It was impossible to please the whole crowd, so I spoke up and I spoke out. I learned that love don’t hold its tongue.” I can’t allow fear of not pleasing everyone hold me back any longer. Out of love I can simply say how I feel and BE OKAY WITH IT! Some may fall away, some may not like what I have to say and some may not even agree. But I can no longer remain silent about how I feel or be afraid to do what I really want to do because of “people.”

For the one who is just like me, the pressure is off. It’s okay to SPEAK UP and SPEAK OUT! I challenge you, as well as myself to be brave, be you, speak up and speak out.

The pressure is OFF!

💜i love you

Journal Post, Random

But I Didn’t Ask You…

**Going through some old notes and found this 26June2018**

But I didn’t ask you to touch me.

You did without my permission!

I didn’t ask you to take my innocence,

But you did.

I didn’t ask for you to be absent in my life,

Or be emotionally detached

But you did!

I didn’t ask for hattie to leave me,

But she did

I didnt ask for you to abandon me

But you did

I didn’t ask you to break my heart

But you did anyway

I didn’t ask you to choose her but….

You did!

You never asked for my permission

You just did!

But what I asked of the Father was to give me my authority to choose back!

So today, you do not have my permission to take advantage of me again

You do not have permission to run over me again

You do not have permission to control my emotions and my thoughts

You don’t have permission to misuse my trust

You don’t have permission to pop in and out of my life!

You do have permission to leave me be, to leave if you’re not adding to my life

You do have permission to either love me or hate me or leave me alone….

Journal Post, new chapter, Random, Self-image

Thank You 29…Hello 30

29 has taught me so much. I’ve learned what faith looks like, what grace feels like, what his mercy does and what his love covers. It’s shown me that I live in fear of rejection too much. I care way too much about what people think. I learned that when someone’s season is up in my life, don’t feel guilty nor bad but count it as a blessing for the lessons they’ve taught me. I’ve learned that people will walk away and that’s fine. There are some people I’ve had to walk away from and that’s fine too. 29 has taught me to be comfortable in the skin that I am in and that it’s okay to be me. It’s okay to be vulnerable. 29 has taught me that I AM NOT MY HAIR AND THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am worthy to be loved. This year the concrete around my heart has slowly but surely been dropping away. Chapter 29 has taken me through so many ups and downs. I’ve cried more this year than I did the year before. I’ve endured some of the roughest seasons, but I made it. I’ve traveled a lot more this year. I became a WHOLE AUTHOR IN THESE STREETS. I started my own blog site as well. I’ve prayed more this year. I became a better prayer warrior this year. I’ve became a little bolder, a little wiser, more mature. I’ve gained more family, friends, and community. I got to witness my siblings make major life moves this year.

HELLO 30, I won’t be taking fear, shame, doubt, anxiety, rejection, abandonment, nor low self esteem. Year 30 will be filled with more joy, peace, prosperity, laughter, love, boss moves, maturity and wealth. I will stand in what and who God has called me to be. I would be lying if I said that I’m not a little nervous about 30. But I know that God is going to be with me every step of the way. So I am going to be more honest with myself and others, love me first, be more vulnerable, take more risks, love hard, give my all and seek the Father like never before. 2019 is MINE BABY! And I AM READY! I am a FULL GROWN WOMAN who is not afraid to be me. Let’s go 30! Cheers to a new chapter!

Sincerely,

Micaela L Golden

“Grown and Save-y”

Journal Post, Random

Can’t Strike Out

I tried FOUR times! FOUR times I tried to STRIKE OUT! FOUR times I said “it’s not worth it!” FOUR times I tried to play God and determine my own fate.

STRIKE ONE: I was about 15 years old. I took 19 pills and said “this is it. What I’ve done I’m too ashamed. I’ve disappointed so many people. There is no way I can go back out there. It’s too hard.” After taking the pills, I waited a while and the only thing that happened was me throwing up and feeling really ill. I was mad when I got up off the floor in the bathroom of my Grandma’s house. Mad because it didn’t work. I remember my Grandma taking care of me. I knew she was praying for me. I believe she knew what was happening.

SSSTTRRIKKKEE TWO: I was 20 and in college. It was my first semester at South Carolina State University (I love my HBCU). I was overwhelmed. I started my college journey off at Morris College and I later transferred to SCSU in 08. There was so much going on back at home that I was dealing with. I was dealing with the anxiety of being away from home. I wasn’t making friends fast enough and I was having nightmares from an event that happened the day before I left. I tried 19 pills again. This time I had alcohol in my system. I cried and said, “I quit. I don’t want to do this anymore!” Once again the only thing that happened was me getting sick. I was told by some friends that I needed to seek help and I did. I was on suicide watch IN COLLEGE! And I was embarrassed to seek help. So after a while I stopped going to counseling and decided I would help myself.

STTTTTRRRRIIKKKEEE THREE: I’m living in Georgia. It’s 2012. I was living my best life. I was making good money and I was adulting. Didn’t have my Mama to come to my rescue. She would’ve taken the FOUR hour trip if need be. I was talking to who I thought was the “perfect guy.” (Sidebar: I ended up being wrong.) It was October 31st when I said, “Yup I’m better off gone.” A misunderstanding took place that blew all the way up. Prior to that I was battling internally with depression. Battling isolation and not feeling good enough. So once again I went for the pills. My aunt found me in my closet laying on the floor crying with the pills in my hand. She said, “Babygirl, what’s happening? What’s wrong?” I rambled off everything that was happening and she said “it’s not worth it. Do you understand the consequences that will come behind this?” All I could do was cry. The next day I moved back to South Carolina to be with my Mama; for her to love on me.

STRRRRIIIKKKEEE FOUR: I just can’t strike out. Geesh. Clearly pills wasn’t a good method. I thought to myself “Meme you gotta try something else, something quick.” It was August 19th 2017. I’d had a bad day at work. I was frustrated with my job, still grieving the passing of my Grandma. I wasn’t happy with life. I was angry. After work I went to Willie Sues with some friends. I left Willie Sues upset and feeling worse than I got there. I called my best friend and I told him, I can’t do this more. While on the phone I purposely slowed down when I saw an 18 wheeler coming. I said to him, “This is it. I’ll go out this way.” My family would be fine financially because I had a good insurance policy. He pleaded with me to go home, “don’t do it, let’s talk.” It was his last “Meme it’s not worth it. Think of all the people you will hurt.” I kept crying and pulled out of the way just in time!

I’ve had FOUR suicide attempts and God spared me every time. He said, “I’ve got work for you to do! You’re still here because you have to fulfill your purpose!” It wasn’t until my 29th birthday dinner that I said I would never try to kill myself again because I have so much to live for and so much work to do here. It wasn’t my time to go! I just COULDN’T STRIKE OUT!

If anyone reading this post is battling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. Know that you are loved and you are needed!

Journal Post, Random

Whatchu Mean You Left?

Almost eight months ago, I left my job. Yes, you read it right. I left my 9-5 job. I’m not going to sugarcoat nothing in this blog. Super transparent blog. So yeah left my job in March of this year. I asked God, “Are you sure? Did I hear you right?” You know how you act deaf with an instruction the Father gives you, especially when it takes you out of your comfort zone! That was me. The place that I became so comfortable with, yet uncomfortable– God was saying your time is up. I’d been with the company for almost four years. But God said, there’s more that I want to show you and do in you. So March 23, 2018, was my last day. It was super emotional. People kept asking me, “So what are you gonna now? Do you have another job lined up? What are you going to do about insurance?” My answer was simple. “I don’t know, but I trust God.” This was the biggest faith move of my life! Also the scariest time of my life.

I had grown accustomed to every two weeks getting a paycheck. Waking up at 5:30 am every morning to prepare for work. But my world began to turn as soon as I realized that I no longer could depend on my job for finances but I now had to turn the creator of ALL THINGS and lean TOTALLY on him. Has it been easy? N O P E ‼️ Were there days when I wanted to go back? YUPP! But I always have to remember that God is my source not man.

The first few months went by smooth. I started counseling again, I started writing again and volunteering at my church more. I was like this is the life. I felt so free! Then after a while, reality hit me. Girl, your 401K is out, your bills for the next month are vastly approaching. Here comes July and I’m broke. I started to panic. Started questioning whether I heard the Father right. I said, “God it was supposed to be smooth sailing from here but it’s not!” I got weary and frustrated. I remember saying “Lord don’t have me out here looking crazy in these streets. I done told these people that you gonna take care of me. Don’t make me eat my words!”
Well he shut my mouth in August. I was coming up on my thirty days for my car payment. Mind you I’VE NEVER BEEN LATE PAYING MY BILLS AT ALL! This was definitely an issue for me! I was like God come on now, what’s happening? Well day 29, I received a cash app for the exact dollar amount of my car payment! OUT OF NOWHERE! Those of you that know me, you know I wept right!?? The following month found myself in the same situation and once again BOOM 💥, God did it again! He’s been keeping me all along. On days when I doubted him, he never left me. He showed me that he is my PROVIDER and only he can make PROVISION like that.

I still have some people who say “whatchu mean you left?” My response is,” yea I did! And if I never left I wouldn’t have published my first book, start a blog, meet the people I’ve met nor be in the position I’m in now.” The moral of this testimony is to encourage those to follow the voice of the Father and to trust him with everything! LITERALLY! I’m living proof that he’s a promise keeper! I may not have the money I desire, or the ability to shop like I want to but I have something neither one can provide. It’s called PEACE! Getchu some! Be encouraged guys! It’s worth it! The enemy has given me his best shot! It only knocked me to my knees and forced me to trust him more. It’s not easy but it’s worth it!

💜💜