Journal Post

It’s Subtle…

29May2019

I don’t wanna feel like this. I’m not supposed to feel like this. I thought I was pass this. Thoughts that consume my mind on today. I thought I had this depression thing under control. Like, naw girl, you don’t deal with it as much as you use to. Little did I know depression is subtle, anxiety is subtle. When you think you’re good, something triggers you and sends you a few steps back. So what do you do? For me, I sleep. For a while, I would just try to play it off and ignore what I was feeling. I would continuously say, “Girl, you don’t have time for depression today. Find something else to focus on,” I did that a few times. IGNORED, what was going on with me mentally. As I’m writing this, shame is trying to creep in. Simply because I feel like I should be past this. I feel like all the messages I’ve heard, how in the world can you still have days like this. With the community of people you have, how can you still have days like this? So many people are depending on your smile, on your kind words, on your energy. You can’t afford to have days like this. I know that it stems from me STILL trying to carry portions of perfection. But I’m flawed and I have my days. I have to be honest with myself and with those around me. Everyday isn’t going to be peaches and cream and that’s okay.

I was watching a documentary called “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words.” One quote that struck me “You can’t get your body and emotions on the same page” by Bennie Tucker. That’s where I am today. I don’t feel like it. Pieces of me wants to get up and go outside, but other parts of me just wants to eat and sleep and remain in bed. As I’m writing this I’m just like God how did I get here? What triggered me? The feeling of not being in control of certain outcomes, feeling defeated, feeling like a failure. Just to name a few. Battling with the thought of whether or not I should reach out and talk to anyone today. Needless to say, I decided not to. I just wanted to be quiet. I know that I have plenty of people that I could talk to, but sometimes it’s easier to just be quiet and try to work through it on your own. Everybody isn’t going to understand and that’s okay.

For those who don’t understand depression, I personally think watching “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words” would shed some light. If you or anyone you know suffers from depression, talk to someone. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-4357 National Hopeline Network 1-800-784-2433.

If depression has escalated to suicidal thoughts please contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

P.S. i love you 💜you’re not alone

Journal Post, Random

Can’t Strike Out

I tried FOUR times! FOUR times I tried to STRIKE OUT! FOUR times I said “it’s not worth it!” FOUR times I tried to play God and determine my own fate.

STRIKE ONE: I was about 15 years old. I took 19 pills and said “this is it. What I’ve done I’m too ashamed. I’ve disappointed so many people. There is no way I can go back out there. It’s too hard.” After taking the pills, I waited a while and the only thing that happened was me throwing up and feeling really ill. I was mad when I got up off the floor in the bathroom of my Grandma’s house. Mad because it didn’t work. I remember my Grandma taking care of me. I knew she was praying for me. I believe she knew what was happening.

SSSTTRRIKKKEE TWO: I was 20 and in college. It was my first semester at South Carolina State University (I love my HBCU). I was overwhelmed. I started my college journey off at Morris College and I later transferred to SCSU in 08. There was so much going on back at home that I was dealing with. I was dealing with the anxiety of being away from home. I wasn’t making friends fast enough and I was having nightmares from an event that happened the day before I left. I tried 19 pills again. This time I had alcohol in my system. I cried and said, “I quit. I don’t want to do this anymore!” Once again the only thing that happened was me getting sick. I was told by some friends that I needed to seek help and I did. I was on suicide watch IN COLLEGE! And I was embarrassed to seek help. So after a while I stopped going to counseling and decided I would help myself.

STTTTTRRRRIIKKKEEE THREE: I’m living in Georgia. It’s 2012. I was living my best life. I was making good money and I was adulting. Didn’t have my Mama to come to my rescue. She would’ve taken the FOUR hour trip if need be. I was talking to who I thought was the “perfect guy.” (Sidebar: I ended up being wrong.) It was October 31st when I said, “Yup I’m better off gone.” A misunderstanding took place that blew all the way up. Prior to that I was battling internally with depression. Battling isolation and not feeling good enough. So once again I went for the pills. My aunt found me in my closet laying on the floor crying with the pills in my hand. She said, “Babygirl, what’s happening? What’s wrong?” I rambled off everything that was happening and she said “it’s not worth it. Do you understand the consequences that will come behind this?” All I could do was cry. The next day I moved back to South Carolina to be with my Mama; for her to love on me.

STRRRRIIIKKKEEE FOUR: I just can’t strike out. Geesh. Clearly pills wasn’t a good method. I thought to myself “Meme you gotta try something else, something quick.” It was August 19th 2017. I’d had a bad day at work. I was frustrated with my job, still grieving the passing of my Grandma. I wasn’t happy with life. I was angry. After work I went to Willie Sues with some friends. I left Willie Sues upset and feeling worse than I got there. I called my best friend and I told him, I can’t do this more. While on the phone I purposely slowed down when I saw an 18 wheeler coming. I said to him, “This is it. I’ll go out this way.” My family would be fine financially because I had a good insurance policy. He pleaded with me to go home, “don’t do it, let’s talk.” It was his last “Meme it’s not worth it. Think of all the people you will hurt.” I kept crying and pulled out of the way just in time!

I’ve had FOUR suicide attempts and God spared me every time. He said, “I’ve got work for you to do! You’re still here because you have to fulfill your purpose!” It wasn’t until my 29th birthday dinner that I said I would never try to kill myself again because I have so much to live for and so much work to do here. It wasn’t my time to go! I just COULDN’T STRIKE OUT!

If anyone reading this post is battling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. Know that you are loved and you are needed!

Random

Word Vomit 2

05September2018

I’m gonna let you guys into my brain for a quick second. **DISCLAIMER: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK TRANSPARENT POST!**

Sitting in class, cannot concentrate at all. Unexpected news right before walking in. After an emotional day, waking up this morning was much better. To be hit with this news and having to sit in a four-hour long class…can you say OVER IT! EXACTLY! I hate to be rude and leave out of class while he’s talking. However, my mind hasn’t been here for the last hour and a half. On the inside im screaming, “sir please shut up and let us go home!!!!”

Meanwhile back at the ranch, yesterday was a very hard day! My Grandmother was weighing heavy on my heart. Missing her like crazy on top of missing others as well. I stayed in the bed majority of the day. Depression started sinking in. Didn’t want to take anything, open any blinds, just wanted to lay in the bed, in isolation. Had a headache from hell! On top of not really having an appetite. #transparentmoment I wanted to run. Run where? Idk. I wanted to push people away. I was ready to block people, turn off my phone and just sleep and cry.

Today has just been one for the books. Depression definitely had its moment. Anxiety definitely settled in for a while. Prayerfully tomorrow is a better day.

**depression and anxiety is REAL! Call and check on your strong friend today! Share some love and encouraging words. More so, be there even if it means just listening and not saying a word.”