Journal Post

It’s Subtle…

29May2019

I don’t wanna feel like this. I’m not supposed to feel like this. I thought I was pass this. Thoughts that consume my mind on today. I thought I had this depression thing under control. Like, naw girl, you don’t deal with it as much as you use to. Little did I know depression is subtle, anxiety is subtle. When you think you’re good, something triggers you and sends you a few steps back. So what do you do? For me, I sleep. For a while, I would just try to play it off and ignore what I was feeling. I would continuously say, “Girl, you don’t have time for depression today. Find something else to focus on,” I did that a few times. IGNORED, what was going on with me mentally. As I’m writing this, shame is trying to creep in. Simply because I feel like I should be past this. I feel like all the messages I’ve heard, how in the world can you still have days like this. With the community of people you have, how can you still have days like this? So many people are depending on your smile, on your kind words, on your energy. You can’t afford to have days like this. I know that it stems from me STILL trying to carry portions of perfection. But I’m flawed and I have my days. I have to be honest with myself and with those around me. Everyday isn’t going to be peaches and cream and that’s okay.

I was watching a documentary called “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words.” One quote that struck me “You can’t get your body and emotions on the same page” by Bennie Tucker. That’s where I am today. I don’t feel like it. Pieces of me wants to get up and go outside, but other parts of me just wants to eat and sleep and remain in bed. As I’m writing this I’m just like God how did I get here? What triggered me? The feeling of not being in control of certain outcomes, feeling defeated, feeling like a failure. Just to name a few. Battling with the thought of whether or not I should reach out and talk to anyone today. Needless to say, I decided not to. I just wanted to be quiet. I know that I have plenty of people that I could talk to, but sometimes it’s easier to just be quiet and try to work through it on your own. Everybody isn’t going to understand and that’s okay.

For those who don’t understand depression, I personally think watching “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words” would shed some light. If you or anyone you know suffers from depression, talk to someone. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-4357 National Hopeline Network 1-800-784-2433.

If depression has escalated to suicidal thoughts please contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

P.S. i love you 💜you’re not alone

Journal Post

The Pressure Is Off

I needed to update my music library. So I added some new releases like HillSong:United, and Bethel Music: VICTORY. I typed in Steffany Gretzinger to see if she had any new music and came across an old album of hers called The Undoing. I only got through one song before coming across a song called “I Spoke Up.” Man!!! I believe I found the perfect song that is so fitting for me. I feel like she wrote it just for me! I’ve only listened to it for….I’ve lost count now. But I wanted to share the lyrics.

Everyone knows that I was the good girl

I did my best to make everyone happy with me

But then I found out that

It was impossible to please the whole crowd

[Chorus] So I spoke up and I spoke out

I learned that love don’t hold its tongue

And passion doesn’t bow to what they think

It’s You and me

Sometimes it’s painful to be brave

To look fear in the face

And know Your name

To find Your strength

This was my story. To know that I was bound by people’s opinions of me and the labels they placed on me, was a hard reality to face. Super transparent moment, I still deal with it at times. It’s a daily thing for me. I have to remind myself daily that I can’t please everyone. Trying to do that is tiring. Kinda crazy that I’m just figuring it out at 30, right?

My favorite line out of the song was, “It was impossible to please the whole crowd, so I spoke up and I spoke out. I learned that love don’t hold its tongue.” I can’t allow fear of not pleasing everyone hold me back any longer. Out of love I can simply say how I feel and BE OKAY WITH IT! Some may fall away, some may not like what I have to say and some may not even agree. But I can no longer remain silent about how I feel or be afraid to do what I really want to do because of “people.”

For the one who is just like me, the pressure is off. It’s okay to SPEAK UP and SPEAK OUT! I challenge you, as well as myself to be brave, be you, speak up and speak out.

The pressure is OFF!

💜i love you

Journal Post, new chapter, Random, Self-image

Thank You 29…Hello 30

29 has taught me so much. I’ve learned what faith looks like, what grace feels like, what his mercy does and what his love covers. It’s shown me that I live in fear of rejection too much. I care way too much about what people think. I learned that when someone’s season is up in my life, don’t feel guilty nor bad but count it as a blessing for the lessons they’ve taught me. I’ve learned that people will walk away and that’s fine. There are some people I’ve had to walk away from and that’s fine too. 29 has taught me to be comfortable in the skin that I am in and that it’s okay to be me. It’s okay to be vulnerable. 29 has taught me that I AM NOT MY HAIR AND THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am worthy to be loved. This year the concrete around my heart has slowly but surely been dropping away. Chapter 29 has taken me through so many ups and downs. I’ve cried more this year than I did the year before. I’ve endured some of the roughest seasons, but I made it. I’ve traveled a lot more this year. I became a WHOLE AUTHOR IN THESE STREETS. I started my own blog site as well. I’ve prayed more this year. I became a better prayer warrior this year. I’ve became a little bolder, a little wiser, more mature. I’ve gained more family, friends, and community. I got to witness my siblings make major life moves this year.

HELLO 30, I won’t be taking fear, shame, doubt, anxiety, rejection, abandonment, nor low self esteem. Year 30 will be filled with more joy, peace, prosperity, laughter, love, boss moves, maturity and wealth. I will stand in what and who God has called me to be. I would be lying if I said that I’m not a little nervous about 30. But I know that God is going to be with me every step of the way. So I am going to be more honest with myself and others, love me first, be more vulnerable, take more risks, love hard, give my all and seek the Father like never before. 2019 is MINE BABY! And I AM READY! I am a FULL GROWN WOMAN who is not afraid to be me. Let’s go 30! Cheers to a new chapter!

Sincerely,

Micaela L Golden

“Grown and Save-y”

Journal Post, Random

Can’t Strike Out

I tried FOUR times! FOUR times I tried to STRIKE OUT! FOUR times I said “it’s not worth it!” FOUR times I tried to play God and determine my own fate.

STRIKE ONE: I was about 15 years old. I took 19 pills and said “this is it. What I’ve done I’m too ashamed. I’ve disappointed so many people. There is no way I can go back out there. It’s too hard.” After taking the pills, I waited a while and the only thing that happened was me throwing up and feeling really ill. I was mad when I got up off the floor in the bathroom of my Grandma’s house. Mad because it didn’t work. I remember my Grandma taking care of me. I knew she was praying for me. I believe she knew what was happening.

SSSTTRRIKKKEE TWO: I was 20 and in college. It was my first semester at South Carolina State University (I love my HBCU). I was overwhelmed. I started my college journey off at Morris College and I later transferred to SCSU in 08. There was so much going on back at home that I was dealing with. I was dealing with the anxiety of being away from home. I wasn’t making friends fast enough and I was having nightmares from an event that happened the day before I left. I tried 19 pills again. This time I had alcohol in my system. I cried and said, “I quit. I don’t want to do this anymore!” Once again the only thing that happened was me getting sick. I was told by some friends that I needed to seek help and I did. I was on suicide watch IN COLLEGE! And I was embarrassed to seek help. So after a while I stopped going to counseling and decided I would help myself.

STTTTTRRRRIIKKKEEE THREE: I’m living in Georgia. It’s 2012. I was living my best life. I was making good money and I was adulting. Didn’t have my Mama to come to my rescue. She would’ve taken the FOUR hour trip if need be. I was talking to who I thought was the “perfect guy.” (Sidebar: I ended up being wrong.) It was October 31st when I said, “Yup I’m better off gone.” A misunderstanding took place that blew all the way up. Prior to that I was battling internally with depression. Battling isolation and not feeling good enough. So once again I went for the pills. My aunt found me in my closet laying on the floor crying with the pills in my hand. She said, “Babygirl, what’s happening? What’s wrong?” I rambled off everything that was happening and she said “it’s not worth it. Do you understand the consequences that will come behind this?” All I could do was cry. The next day I moved back to South Carolina to be with my Mama; for her to love on me.

STRRRRIIIKKKEEE FOUR: I just can’t strike out. Geesh. Clearly pills wasn’t a good method. I thought to myself “Meme you gotta try something else, something quick.” It was August 19th 2017. I’d had a bad day at work. I was frustrated with my job, still grieving the passing of my Grandma. I wasn’t happy with life. I was angry. After work I went to Willie Sues with some friends. I left Willie Sues upset and feeling worse than I got there. I called my best friend and I told him, I can’t do this more. While on the phone I purposely slowed down when I saw an 18 wheeler coming. I said to him, “This is it. I’ll go out this way.” My family would be fine financially because I had a good insurance policy. He pleaded with me to go home, “don’t do it, let’s talk.” It was his last “Meme it’s not worth it. Think of all the people you will hurt.” I kept crying and pulled out of the way just in time!

I’ve had FOUR suicide attempts and God spared me every time. He said, “I’ve got work for you to do! You’re still here because you have to fulfill your purpose!” It wasn’t until my 29th birthday dinner that I said I would never try to kill myself again because I have so much to live for and so much work to do here. It wasn’t my time to go! I just COULDN’T STRIKE OUT!

If anyone reading this post is battling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. Know that you are loved and you are needed!

Journal Post, Singleness

In My Body…HARD

Man, can’t describe this feeling…
in my body HARD
to want something
someone
so much
but you allow rejection to keep you in that box
not allowing you to express how you feel 
for fear of not hearing what you want them to say
afraid that you will once again be 
wrong
made a fool
hurt again
 
on the other hand
its like what do i have to lose?
besides being embarrassed
and my pride being shut down
sigh
what’s a woman to do?
i feel myself getting angry.
angry at the fact that i keep doing this to myself
i continuously play it safe with my love life
guess i should say something, huh?
Journal Post, Self-image

i cant go back there…

i cant go back there.

back to holding the hand of rejection,

allowing it to walk with me daily.

i can’t go back there.

back to riding with shame 

allowing it to keep me bound.

i can’t go back there.

back to embracing abandonment

allowing it to make me feel like everyone is going to leave me, even the ones who said they never would.

i just can’t go back there.

back to dancing with fear

allowing it to paralyze me, allowing it to rob me of my goals, dreams, love and relationships

i just can’t go back there

back to nursing disappointment

allowing it to keep me from seeing the good in people, not putting expectations on people who i believe will let me down, or hurt me

i just can’t go back there.

#transparentmoment

however, today i visited every emotion

but i know i can’t stay there, it was only a moment

i can’t waddle in those emotions too long

if i do, i don’t think there’s no coming back.

so today i choose to acknowledge those feelings and combat them with positive affirmations.

Journal Post, Random

Random Blurbing

Hey, it’s one of those nights. Random thinking! So I’m flipping through an old journal, and I came across a few of my favorite quotes! Just thought I’d share.

Don’t be distracted by people who hate you because they think they deserve the success you’re getting for the work the didn’t do!

-Sprinkle of Jesus

Yea! That quote though!

You are about to become everything they feared you would be!

-Sprinkle of Jesus

Stay focused! Be ready!

Share your favorite quote below!

Thanks for reading!