Journal Post

It’s Subtle…

29May2019

I don’t wanna feel like this. I’m not supposed to feel like this. I thought I was pass this. Thoughts that consume my mind on today. I thought I had this depression thing under control. Like, naw girl, you don’t deal with it as much as you use to. Little did I know depression is subtle, anxiety is subtle. When you think you’re good, something triggers you and sends you a few steps back. So what do you do? For me, I sleep. For a while, I would just try to play it off and ignore what I was feeling. I would continuously say, “Girl, you don’t have time for depression today. Find something else to focus on,” I did that a few times. IGNORED, what was going on with me mentally. As I’m writing this, shame is trying to creep in. Simply because I feel like I should be past this. I feel like all the messages I’ve heard, how in the world can you still have days like this. With the community of people you have, how can you still have days like this? So many people are depending on your smile, on your kind words, on your energy. You can’t afford to have days like this. I know that it stems from me STILL trying to carry portions of perfection. But I’m flawed and I have my days. I have to be honest with myself and with those around me. Everyday isn’t going to be peaches and cream and that’s okay.

I was watching a documentary called “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words.” One quote that struck me “You can’t get your body and emotions on the same page” by Bennie Tucker. That’s where I am today. I don’t feel like it. Pieces of me wants to get up and go outside, but other parts of me just wants to eat and sleep and remain in bed. As I’m writing this I’m just like God how did I get here? What triggered me? The feeling of not being in control of certain outcomes, feeling defeated, feeling like a failure. Just to name a few. Battling with the thought of whether or not I should reach out and talk to anyone today. Needless to say, I decided not to. I just wanted to be quiet. I know that I have plenty of people that I could talk to, but sometimes it’s easier to just be quiet and try to work through it on your own. Everybody isn’t going to understand and that’s okay.

For those who don’t understand depression, I personally think watching “PRESSURE: Depression Told In Their Own Words” would shed some light. If you or anyone you know suffers from depression, talk to someone. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-4357 National Hopeline Network 1-800-784-2433.

If depression has escalated to suicidal thoughts please contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

P.S. i love you 💜you’re not alone

Uncategorized

02May2019

So today my emotions were all over the place. I’ve felt useless today, overwhelmed, disappointed, and lonely. My mind has been on 1000. I didn’t feel like myself with everything going on this week. So what I did was beat my face, put on my favorite sundress and ride out. Well I did that and I’m still in a fog. I’m not posting this for sympathy at all. I’m posting this to help someone who maybe in the same boat as myself. I didn’t want to talk to God today about it. I just wanted to fix it myself and I can’t. I tried to cover how I was feeling and GET OVER how I was feeling real quick. Then I talked to my sis and she said something that really stuck me.

“It’s unhealthy to rush through what you’re feeling!”

-SiQuena W.

So at this current moment I’m acknowledging how I feel. Standing in my feelings but not residing there. I’m going to cry it out, get me some ice cream, and watch my favorite movie and write later.

Whoever is reading this, and feeling the same way—don’t rush through how you’re feeling. Feel it love and keep it moving. #Transparentmoment #NotesToMySisters

P.S. i love you

Journal Post, Random, Singleness

Word Vomit

So many emotions

Was I suppose to reach out?

Or was I suppose to let fate decide

-mistake

mlg

sometimes

i stop myself from

saying the words out loud

as if leaving my mouth too often

might wear them down

-i love you

Quote from the sun and her flowers by rupi kaur

She once said “the only way to get great is to divorce good” -dr jackie greene

I guess this is my farewell

when you start loving someone new

you laugh at the indecisiveness of love

remember when you were sure

the last one was the one

and now here you are

redefining the one all over again

a fresh love is a gift

Quote from the sun and her flowers rupi kaur

Is it time to give up yet?

-me

mlg

**just how I’m feeling in this current moment**

Journal Post

29may2018 10:26 pm

**DISCLAIMER** I debated whether I wanted to post this. Went back and forth with myself. The purpose of this blog is to show transparency, give you a glimpse of what’s on my mind and in my heart. So that includes the GOOD DAYS, THE NOT SO GOOD DAYS, AND THE BAD DAYS! Every post won’t be peachy creamy. I’ll have post where I’m literally crying while typing. *almost there btw* I’m pretty sure this feeling is relatable.

Such an overwhelming urge to cry.

Restless.

Residing in the unknown feels like I’m

suffocating

Feels like no oxygen is making it to my brain.

I feel like I can’t breathe

can’t concentrate

I wanna run to my “shutdown” place

Thought about running to my word

even whispering a prayer to Daddy

But I don’t even know where to start

nor what to say.

You would think that I would be use to these moments

Each one is different, this one is different

to fight this feeling takes too much energy

So I’ll just stay here

It’s the easier option in this moment.